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Loss of innocence.

My father spent some 24 years serving in the Air Force and one of the duty stations that we stayed at longest was Little Rock Air Force Base. In the many years that my father served as a C-130 loadmaster he developed a lifelong love for aviation which he still enjoys today. In my childhood however he felt quite awkward as a parent and dived into his work in away that left us often wondering who he was. His dedication to his work meant he was the best at his profession and so was invited to be an instructor. I may not have seen him very often and I may not have had a very good relationship with him, however his instructor position in Arkansas gave my childhood a moment of stability for some good memories. The thing is that for every child there is a moment when some incident or set of incidents happens and they realize the world is not safe. That humans are not moral and above other animals but are rather a higher species of pack animals. On a lighter note, L.R.A.F.B. was a great place ...
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First Contact!

I would have to say that as a young child I was quite happy. My daughter laughs at me sometimes because when I hear some young person complain I quickly tell them, "What are you whining about?Life hasn't had a chance to truly crush you yet just wait until it really puts it's heel on you." I was very curious and friendly some would even say a chatterbox. Of course some would say I lacked a sense of personal space and that I didn't know when it was appropriate to speak in conversations. I quite often heard the phrase, "Stop interrupting!" Then there was my favorite thing daydreaming and fiddling with my hands. I got teased mercilessly for this at school. I would place my thumb on the top of the second knuckle of each finger starting with the pointer all the way to the pinky and back again. Initially I would do it with both hands and stare out the window content and utterly at peace, but as the teasing got progressively worse I tried to control it or hide i...

Why would you say that?

     I want very much to get up every morning and not have my first thought be, "Do we really have to do this again?" I want to go through my day with out dreading every human interaction and most of all I want to be able to say the right things to the one person I genuinely like, my wife. So I live daily in constant irritation from the fact that I feel uncomfortable everywhere I go. More on that later. So why would I all of the sudden decide to type out my exasperation for any one to see? Well...because, I am tired of explaining myself and I am going through a hard time in life that just seems to not stop.  It started with my struggles with my own health and my PTSD. It then peaked when God gave me a message I did not want to hear and then it came to a head when I found out that my wife had Colon cancer. I just want to feel free to be who I am and not feel worried that I may say or do something to hurt someone. So I am writing this blog to clear the air. You could s...