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Why would you say that?

     I want very much to get up every morning and not have my first thought be, "Do we really have to do this again?" I want to go through my day with out dreading every human interaction and most of all I want to be able to say the right things to the one person I genuinely like, my wife. So I live daily in constant irritation from the fact that I feel uncomfortable everywhere I go. More on that later. So why would I all of the sudden decide to type out my exasperation for any one to see? Well...because, I am tired of explaining myself and I am going through a hard time in life that just seems to not stop.  It started with my struggles with my own health and my PTSD. It then peaked when God gave me a message I did not want to hear and then it came to a head when I found out that my wife had Colon cancer. I just want to feel free to be who I am and not feel worried that I may say or do something to hurt someone. So I am writing this blog to clear the air. You could say I'm going to try and put my soul on the table and let it be examined. I have not fully thought out what will happen once my soul is bared and I am not so sure I may not offend anyone. It's a risk I take. I need to try something. I have tried being a person of solitude and that works only to a point. I have tried counseling in groups, one on one.....blah, blah, blah. The problem with counseling or anytime I face another person is the internal training to try to say what I think they want to hear kicks in. I don't lie I just don't tell them what I truly think. In any case it has been bugging me to the point that I feel I need to do something and the running lone wolf isn't going to work for the rest of my life.
     So here I am today starting this with a timid and fearful heart. I need to tell someone that I hate emotions, and I am not coping well with my PTSD. I need to tell someone that my wife has cancer and even though I feel faithful that she will get through it I know there will be suffering and I will say all the wrong things even though I love her. In fact the only people who can even compete with my love for her is our children. I also need to tell someone that I think humanity as a whole is a great big turd but when I put all my effort into focusing on Jesus he said,"That's great son now turn around. Do you see all those people? You need to love them." My heart was crushed at the very thought of actually attempting to genuinely love any part of humanity. Before I went to Iraq I hesitated to get close to people because of how I was personally treated, but after I saw a little more of how humans treat each other outside of my little sheltered world I became horrified at humanities capacity for cruelty. It is not enough to hide in faith I have to learn to love what I hate.

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